Dani Finally Saves Herself...

Nearly one year ago, I found myself knocking on the door of an inevitable nervous breakdown; disability papers in hand, self-loathing constricting my every breath. Years of fruitless attempts to fill the shoes of Super Mom by working too much, saving the world, and trying to hold it all together with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eyes eventually wore my adrenal glands down to what I am sure must have resembled something similar to dried apricots. In addition, working over 40 hours a week in the trenches of a social service agency with no support from supervisors- while doing my best to cope with the sudden suicide death of my child’s father- found me tugging at the end of my frayed little rope with the strength of an infant on life support. I was shamefully depleted of anything and everything I thought I could offer the world and was forced into addressing my health and emotional well-being in a way that I had never allowed myself to do before.

I found myself teetering back and forth between anxiety-ridden sleepless nights and the weights of depression confining me to my bed on early spring mornings, exhausted from the hamster wheel of negativity spinning in my head. In all honesty, I traveled in a fog for several months- exerting just enough energy to complete the last few months of my job and to take care of my kids and get the bills mostly paid on time. Eventually, I slowly worked my way back into a routine, dipped back into yoga, began writing again and followed a fairly strict health regime which included tanking up on meat for the first time in nearly 17 years, ingesting obscene amounts of herbs and supplements (my favorite had freeze-dried adrenal cortex in them), and getting back outdoors for fresh air, vitamin D and exercise. I also began making major lifestyle changes such as abandoning unhealthy relationships and environments.

My semi-regular walks around Spring Lake led me back to hiking Annadel, which led me to semi-regular runs up and down the Santa Rosa Creek trail and finally, to the seat of a road bike. I cried the first time I reached the top of Annadel and saw Lake Illsanjo. I honestly believed that my body was so trashed that I’d never make it up even the tiniest of hikes again and that I would find myself confined to a mobility scooter by the time I reached my 36^th birthday- legs noodle-limp, ass sagging to the back of my knees. By summertime I was hiking Annadel several times a week and running every other morning and despite my internalized self-deprecating beliefs, I spent December 19- my 36^th birthday- hiking Pomo Canyon by foot instead of cruising my neighborhood on a Lark with a can of Ensure.

I was finally prepared to get my bike on and ventured out to plan my next moves. My long-time family friend Jim Keene of Santa Rosa’s Bike Peddler/NorCal fame, agreed to help me out with training for the Wine Country Century, which takes place on May 1, 2010. The ride sails through 100 miles of Sonoma County’s most beautiful scenic roads from Santa Rosa to West Sonoma County to Healdsburg, Geyserville and back again. Since I have a few months to prep myself for this ride of all rides, which will also train me for the AIDS Lifecycle in June, Jim started me out fairly small. Our first ride on my new Specialized road bike was through Channel Road to Oakmont and back in freezing cold, cloudy weather. Since that first day a month ago, I have alternated between hiking, running and riding, mostly venturing out west to and past Sebastopol. Sometimes solo, sometimes with friends, in order to slowly build up to the monster Century Ride.

Now, I am obviously a new-comer at this. I never intend to become pro or even race for that matter. I don’t care how much my bike weighs, how much your bike weighs or how much your fancy cycling gear cost you (although I must say that my leased carbon bike is pretty sweet!). I don’t want to be one of “those” people. I have dated “those” people and had them laugh at me while riding my single speed. I am not competitive, nor do I do well around competitive people.

You see, I have just had these ideas about what it would be like to venture out on the road for weeks on end. I was so jealous when a boyfriend of mine set out to ride his bike to Washington with our friend and I was stuck at home with the kids, working my shitty job every day. I imagined what it must have been like for them- riding hours on end, absorbing the incredible views, sleeping under the stars at night and waking up to do it all over again the following day.

One of my best memories was spending Valentine's Day alone in a fishing village on the coast of Belize, riding a bike around all day long, taking in the sights. Now, I want to fly to Vietnam, ride my bike along the coast, meeting locals, hearing stories, taking it all in. I want to ride through Tuscany, stopping to chase blocks of cheese down with wine before resting for the next day’s ride. I want the most lovely and romantic of bicycle trips. I have closed the door on the nervous breakdown, bid it a fond farewell, am riding into the next phase of my life, starting from scratch right here in Sonoma County.